Nightmare Headlines 2007

Inspired by the Salt Lake Tribune’s “Dream Headlines” for the upcoming year, and the supplement in Plato's Cave, what follows are my predictions for the inevitable “Nightmare Headlines” coming in 2007:

ALCOHOL GOOD FOR HEALTH

A new study published in a respected scientific journal reveals that alcoholic beverages are actually good for you because they contain water.

UTAH LIQUOR LAWS ARE BACKWARD

A justifiably disgruntled citizens group demands changes to Utah's liquor laws, citing evidence that young people under the age of twenty-one also require water to live.

UTAH LEGISLATURE FAILS TO FUND EDUCATION

A gathering of thoughtful mainstream academics from a local university explain the urgent need to distribute liquor and condoms to dehydrated high school students. They also deliver a blistering critique of the Utah legislature for failing to adequately anticipate or fund this essential program.

MORMONS ARE DUMB

Inbred conservative religious extremists from Utah County allege that water can be found in sources other than alcoholic beverages. No evidence is offered in support of this claim.

SENATORS FOR DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA

After finally gaining a seat in the House of Representatives, the District of Columbia now demands equal representation in the Senate. Analysts suggest that such a development would give the Democratic Party control over the Senate well into the foreseeable future, thus dramatically shaping national governance for a generation.

Yet, no Republican politician from Utah (fresh from unconstitutionally rushing after its own fourth congressional seat) has the moral authority to oppose this legislation. Instead, eager to live down its backward Mormon image, officials tout the state’s new liquor and condom program for high school students as evidence that Utah is as progressive and enlightened as anywhere else.